What is sparxMind? What does it mean? I think it was almost a year and a half ago that I registered this domain. At the time I had an idea for a project, but it was quite an undertaking and I was reluctant to actually begin it. I sat on it. Eventually I had another idea that I wanted to begin working on, I ended up taking no action on that one as well. I wasn't really conscious of my avoidance at the time, but a part of me decided to try to push things forward, and I ended up registering the domain sparxmind.com. It was originally going to be a place to house things like those projects, things that were spawned from my mind. But it went unused. And now it's finally being utilized, as a blog, which is probably the most literal use of the name that I could come up with. sparxMind – the most direct way that I can probably express what is actually on my mind.

For the majority of my life, I've allowed myself to be held back, as with those earlier projects. I let myself fall into a program of non-action and managed to somehow find things to blame it on, lack of sleep, headache, too much work, all kinds of excuses. I've allowed negative thoughts and insecurities to hold me back from reaching my potential. Recently I've been trying to tackle these issues, and I have made some progress, but it seems like as one obstacle is removed, I encounter a new one. I knew it would be a long and difficult process, but I think I've still underestimated it. I have to just keep facing and dealing with things as they come up.

And that's part of what I hope to accomplish with this blog. It gives me a way to keep track of where I'm at, and to share what I can. My main hope is that something in one of these posts will strike a chord with someone, and help them enjoy their life and themselves more. My method of documentation is pretty random and at times incredibly vague, but I hope that I can add enough entertainment value to it that it's worth reading.

Like I said, my insecurities have held me back quite a bit. They've prevented me from building real friendships, and from having any sort of real relationship, friend or otherwise, for a long time now. In my head, I'm avoiding socializing not to avoid people, but to protect them. I feel like this burden that I put on myself will weight down on those that are around me, and it doesn't seem fair to expect anyone else to have to share the weight of it with me. It's not a fun thought pattern to be stuck in.

For almost two and a half years now, I've had this goal.. and I think there's only one person here that will, or should know what I'm talking about. It's something that keeps coming up, and something that I really want to make a part of my life. But I haven't been able to do that yet. I've felt like I've been really close a couple times, but something always seems to happen. The insecurity, the worry, the pushing.. And it makes me wonder, not about whether or not I really want it (I do, of that I'm certain – I want it more than anything,) but I wonder if I would actually let it happen. I wonder if the decision ever became mine to make, if I could say "yes" and that that would make it happen, or would something, some worry, some insecurity, cause me to destroy that chance? I want to say yes. I want to have that chance. I think that's where I'm supposed to be.

One very important thing that I've learned and am still absorbing, is that happiness isn't something that happens. It isn't dependent on what you've done, or what you have. It's a way of looking at things, a way of thinking. Even with everything that I'm trying to deal with, I still consider myself happy. I'm choosing to be happy. So many people fall into the way of thinking that they need to do something or need to have something and THEN they'll be happy, but once they do or get whatever it is, there's something else out just a little further. All you need to do to be happy is decide to be… even then though, you can't be in that happy state of mind 24/7.. I think they call that denial.

I'm reminded of the movie Peter Pan – all that was needed to fly off to Never Never Land (is that 3 words? 2? 1?) was pixie dust and happy thoughts. I have the happy thoughts.. that part is mostly taken care of. What I'm trying to hold onto now is my pixie dust. That one thing that will allow me to experience what's beyond "happiness".. It's so close, I just need to figure out what I need to do to be able to actually hold it in my hands.